HELP – my least favorite four letter word.

The Beatles seemed to have really had it down. They had no problem asking for it or admitting they needed it (or at least writing a songs about it). Why is it so hard for me to get this word out of my mouth and into my life?

As far as I can tell, the human race is a species created to interact with one another. We were not designed to live completely isolated lives like say, a mountain paca, grizzly bear, or any of the other animals on this list. I understand that many adults make the choice to try to exist that way. I just am not one of them. I am social by nature and instinct. I fully fall into today’s clubbable society. I enjoy my relationships with others and integrate them into my life. I guess it therefore seems only natural that I would form some kind of co-dependency with them, if for no other reason simply based on the familiarity of having their integration in my life. Along with that, it would make sense that by design, the occasion would arise where I would find myself  feeling unable to handle things without some of their accustomed assistance. So then why can’t I seem to get myself to ask for help when I need it????

Although I love my friends and family and all that they add to my life, I consider myself to be a fairly independent person. I am a major type-A, with a constant need to be as efficient as possible, coupled with the impatience of a toddler in their terrible two’s. I do not sit around and wait for someone else to solve my problems or make my life easier. I pride myself on making my own way and creating the life that I live on my own two feet. So, in times when I get knocked down or cut off at the knees, it gets a little overwhelming and I may start to freak out.

I have currently gotten myself into a situation where I can’t walk. Crutches are a bitch and they leave you pretty helpless in the grand scheme of things. You can’t  maneuver very well in most spaces,  you can’t carry anything and move from point A to point B, plus there’s all the bullshit of the injury to add to the list. Life fucking blows right now. Of course, this is the time when all of my friends come out and say “let me know if there is anything I can do to help…. don’t hesitate to ask.” But I do hesitate.

When people respond with “yes, I’ll help with that,” followed by “sorry, I can’t” because it requires them to apply more effort than originally thought, it makes me not want to ask at all. It’s extremely difficult to find the humility to even ask for help in the first place. Then to top that off with not being able to depend on the person who said they would be there is incredibly discouraging. In most cases, what people should say is “let me know if there is something that I can do to help within the convenience of what I have going on in my own life.” And you know what? That’s totally fair. I am no one else’s responsibility. I am my own problem. It’s just that feeling of false hope, followed by frustration and disappointment that gets to me. I’d really rather people not offer at all if they aren’t really prepared to help and they don’t genuinely mean it. Don’t offer just to be polite. That’s just rude.

I know that life sucks sometimes. Sometimes you just keep getting lemons and you don’t want anymore fucking lemonade. It would just be refreshing if someone would bring me some oranges once in a while. Or even better, just bring me the damn orange juice so I can skip the juicing part all together. That would be amazing.

And that does happen sometimes. Some people do bring you the orange juice.  They’re the ones who anticipate what you need and do it without even asking. They see an opportunity to make your day a light brighter, lighten your load so the burden can be a little more bearable. They are the fucking best and I love them.

I know that not everyone can do everything all the time. And that’s fine. This is fine. No one is going to die. I just can’t help but think [since, that’s pretty much all I’m physically capable of doing at the moment] what a wonderful world it would be if we could all just pay it forward a little more and have the return be the same. You know. Perform those little acts of kindness that rekindle faith in humanity. That is all.

Wrapping things up – I will continue to try to ask for help when I need it. I will continue to help those  when they ask, or even when they don’t and I just know it will help. I will keep paying it forward. Try to set the trend. Be the change I want to see in the world, and all that jazz, right?